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Conversations Guide
Essentially, conversation is an exchange or a communication between the Self* and the Other. It can also be seen as a transference of energy. Dictionaries suggest that conversations are oral, spoken exchanges of words, thoughts, ideas, and sometimes feelings. (Feelings, in fact, are hardly truly communicated through words. Feelings are ‘picked up’ and felt through whole senses.)
Consider the definition of conversation broader than the dictionary’s. Consider what truly forms the exchange between the Self and the Other. And consider what is exchanged.
* For your purpose, the Self is always you – which means that the ethics that must be applied by the Self cannot be imposed by the Self on the Other (openly or secretly). For example, it is polite to give up your seat in a bus for another. It is not appropriate for a healthy individual to demand that the other vacate their seat for them; and it’s absurd to demand the other on the basis that it’s polite/ ethical for them to do so. What’s polite/ ethical/ moral/ good for the Self to do, becomes the opposite if the Self asks or expects the Other to do it for the Self, or for someone else on behalf of the Self. The latter means that it is still absurd if the Self (you/I) ask A to vacate their seat for B. It may be requested under certain circumstances, but the choice remains with A. Of course, extreme scenarios– where B is bleeding to death and A is listening to their iPod and you/I don’t have a seat to give up — are rare, and form exceptions to the rule. Good sense and good opinion are the basis of right judgment.
Listening
Listening and silence are the foundation of speech. A conversation is composed of both silence and speech — as well as pacing.
In a conversation, the Self is to listen — and speaking is part of Listening. How? Consider this: Listening is the project at hand. The Self speaks so that the Other may listen to what the Other needs to listen to, based on what the Self knows to be the best interest of the Other. Consider this, too: We are speaking not because we need to speak, but because something needs to be listened to — and therefore something must be spoken, communicated.
It is not the other way round. Listening is not done because the conversation has been made. Listening is not the after-thought, it comes before the speech. That would be saying that a garden is watered because a pipe has been supplying water. The garden’s receptivity comes before the pipe’s supply of water. A thirst for conversation exists before conversation. That thirst is listening.
(Where listening is being denied, the ‘conversation’ can create that space by amplifying up its volume, or shifting its method. Because this is not a normally desirable situation, the art is to create a culture of listening, than a conversation of speaking or speaking up. The greater the culture of listening, the more it can accommodate speech.)
Who’s The Pipe, and Who’s the Garden?
The Self is the garden that receives the water of the Other. Don’t worry — this rules applies to all people and things, and therefore, the Other is the garden relative to you, but it’s not up to you to force that. Through your own example, you create or assist a culture where each person understands that their role is to be receptive to others.
A Conversation Circle is a very good place where this art can be practiced.
Methods of Speech and Listening
A guide to forming Conversation Circles will be made available on this site shortly. Meanwhile, explore how to hold Conversations With Family.