The Changemakers Hub

How to Hold a Conversation With Your Family?

Depending upon the family and its dynamics, there is a unique ‘answer’ to this question for each family. What can be said for sure is this: Listening is the key. Because conversations in family can happen in any setting (dining table, taking leave or re-entering home, at an outing), and it may be challenging to organize the family around a formal conversation initially, it may be helpful that we share some common scenarios and situations so you can glean your own insights, and then work your own method. All these pointers are independent of each other; mix and match for your own requirement:

• Where possible, the dining table makes a good place for getting the family together at one place, and one time. In case of poor communication within the family, what will not work is the attempt to gain attention. As an agent of Change in your family, start by listening that which may have been previously ignored. (You may feel it’s been repeated repeatedly, but that is because it’s not receiving sufficient and correct attention yet. For example, if the little kid has complained of backache yet again, what’s the issue?) Start by handling the gentlest thing you can manage. You can begin by something as simple as passing the food around, or assisting mother with cleaning.
• Families can sometimes be ‘fixers’ — fixing the destinies of one or more members. It may be that each member is trying to fix the life of the other. That kind of situation will be marked by extreme worry. Understand that each person has their own destiny to fulfill, no matter who relies on them. And that eventually, ‘the family’ is the enabler of each individual in the family. And that each individual has aspirations, but of a different kind. That must be honored.
• Initially, listening may appear to yield to chaos. In time, it does lead to convergence and understanding. A ‘one thing’ begins to emerge.
• It is possible that some members will never agree to _____. It is their choice. Choose your response independently and accordingly.
• Some families share a lot of love within, but may exclude either the outside world, or taking care of neighbors or people who work for the family. We can begin to gently explore the idea of family outwards: from a nuclear family, to the global family.
• Our things, animals, plants are part of the family.
• It is useful to observe and honor the families of the plants and animals within our care, and ensure that our ownership patterns are not disrupting their needs. We (humans) align with them rather than they align with us. The onus is on humans to understand and honor their nature. They, too, are adjusting themselves to humans all the while, and more often than not, animals and plants respect humans greatly.
• Play on your family’s strengths.
• Yours doesn’t have to be like any other family. Some families have an overall academic flair. Others are sporty. Others are business-oriented. Yet others are artsy. Appreciate the unique gifts of your family as well as other families.
• Cultivate an appreciation for the (social) ecosystem your family is in. Cultivate an appreciation for the other elements of the ecosystem. This appreciation comes through taking out moments to simply reflect upon the characteristics of the family or the ecosystem. Once your mind is familiar, it can then open up to seeing the good of the whole — which consists of both ‘good’ and ‘bad’. This is appreciation in the true sense.
• Sometimes, a conversation may fall upon you. It could be a difficult or unexpected conversation. This can be your unplanned opening into a deeper honesty, deeper knowing.
• You are an equal part of your family.
• Conversation is a great deal of silence, and a little bit of talking. Where needed, start with the silent part. Start taking care of things that need to be taken care of — which means, begin serving, not managing/controlling. Fix the door. Oil the joints. Water the plants. Pay attention to the space and the rooms as well as to people and things. Bring ease where you can. That is conversation, too. In fact, this is the real ‘conversation’, whereas talking is the summary of the doing. For instance, “I baked a cake” is two seconds of speech, and 90 minutes of work. Begin with observing how must do you talk, and how much do you contribute.
• Enjoy, and bring en-joy-ment. This, after all, is your only life (this time around, if you believe in reincarnation or such — give each life its chance).
• Consider those who came before you as far back as you can see in history. Consider those who will come after you. Do not attempt to define or reshape the histories of the former. Do not try to determine the destinies of the latter. Only do your own part, and that will be sufficient as a link in the chain. Your only task is the quality of the link that you are.
• Those who have come before you exist within your DNA. Their memories and lessons are coded within. Though meditation, you can ‘converse’ with the wisdom they have left packed inside you as your DNA. However, it is sufficient to pay attention to your own design. That is connecting both with the ancestors, and with those who will come after you — because what you become is your ‘conversation’ with them. That, too, is conversation.