Conversations With Family

 

How to Hold a Conversation With Your Family?

Depending upon the family and its dynamics, there is a unique ‘answer’ to this question for each family. What can be said for sure is this: Listening is the key. Because conversations in family can happen in any setting (dining table, taking leave or re-entering home, at an outing), and it may be challenging to organize the family around a formal conversation initially, it may be helpful that we share some common scenarios and situations so you can glean your own insights, and then work your own method. All these pointers are independent of each other; mix and match for your own requirement:

  • Where possible, the dining table makes a good place for getting the family together at one place, and one time. In case of poor communication within the family, what will not work is the attempt to gain attention. As an agent of Change in your family, start by listening that which may have been previously ignored. (You may feel it’s been repeated repeatedly, but that is because it’s not receiving sufficient and correct attention yet. For example, if the little kid has complained of backache yet again, what’s the issue?) Start by handling the gentlest thing you can manage. You can begin by something as simple as passing the food around, or assisting mother with cleaning.
  • Families can sometimes be ‘fixers’ — fixing the destinies of one or more members. It may be that each member is trying to fix the life of the other. That kind of situation will be marked by extreme worry. Understand that each person has their own destiny to fulfill, no matter who relies on them. And that eventually, ‘the family’ is the enabler of each individual in the family. And that each individual has aspirations, but of a different kind. That must be honored.
  • Initially, listening may appear to yield to chaos. In time, it does lead to convergence and understanding. A ‘one thing’ begins to emerge.
  • It is possible that some members will never agree to _____. It is their choice. Choose your response independently and accordingly.
  • Some families share a lot of love within, but may exclude either the outside world, or taking care of neighbors or people who work for the family. We can begin to gently explore the idea of family outwards: from a nuclear family, to the global family.
  • Our things, animals, plants are part of the family.
  • It is useful to observe and honor the families of the plants and animals within our care, and ensure that our ownership patterns are not disrupting their needs. We (humans) align with them rather than they align with us. The onus is on humans to understand and honor their nature. They, too, are adjusting themselves to humans all the while, and more often than not, animals and plants respect humans greatly.
  • Play on your family’s strengths.
  • Yours doesn’t have to be like any other family. Some families have an overall academic flair. Others are sporty. Others are business-oriented. Yet others are artsy. Appreciate the unique gifts of your family as well as other families.
  • Cultivate an appreciation for the (social) ecosystem your family is in. Cultivate an appreciation for the other elements of the ecosystem. This appreciation comes through taking out moments to simply reflect upon the characteristics of the family or the ecosystem. Once your mind is familiar, it can then open up to seeing the good of the whole — which consists of both ‘good’ and ‘bad’. This is appreciation in the true sense.
  • Sometimes, a conversation may fall upon you. It could be a difficult or unexpected conversation. This can be your unplanned opening into a deeper honesty, deeper knowing.
  • You are an equal part of your family.
  • Conversation is a great deal of silence, and a little bit of talking. Where needed, start with the silent part. Start taking care of things that need to be taken care of — which means, begin serving, not managing/controlling. Fix the door. Oil the joints. Water the plants. Pay attention to the space and the rooms as well as to people and things. Bring ease where you can. That is conversation, too. In fact, this is the real ‘conversation’, whereas talking is the summary of the doing. For instance, “I baked a cake” is two seconds of speech, and 90 minutes of work. Begin with observing how must do you talk, and how much do you contribute.
  • Enjoy, and bring en-joy-ment. This, after all, is your only life (this time around, if you believe in reincarnation or such — give each life its chance).
  • Consider those who came before you as far back as you can see in history. Consider those who will come after you. Do not attempt to define or reshape the histories of the former. Do not try to determine the destinies of the latter. Only do your own part, and that will be sufficient as a link in the chain. Your only task is the quality of the link that you are.
  • Those who have come before you exist within your DNA. Their memories and lessons are coded within. Though meditation, you can ‘converse’ with the wisdom they have left packed inside you as your DNA. However, it is sufficient to pay attention to your own design. That is connecting both with the ancestors, and with those who will come after you — because what you become is your ‘conversation’ with them. That, too, is conversation.
Insights on this page may be edited and added over time. Go with your intuition — if it asks you to return here, come back and visit us! You’re always welcome!

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Growth Is Not Just One Thing

How do we resolve this dilemma: the human spirit is tremendously expansive, potentially vast, greatly powerful–and yet the chorus of environmental consciousness these days is that growth is not good. That the concern with prosperity is flawed. That riches are bad.

Well, then, what must we do with this immense power and capacity and the imagination to dream that is a part of being human? What is the evolutionary purpose of our capacity? Certainly, it’s not laying waste, being idle, and singing songs of good times. These amusements have their purpose, time, and place, but these are certainly not the sole tasks we as a specie are charged with.

So what is the matter? Why have we become, despite ourselves, such a terrifying source of violence and destruction? Or of creativity that is often inevitably tied with economic capacity and all the evil that come on the heels of this concern with economic growth, such as the need to build and wield and thereafter sustain military power?

These may be simple questions, but these are not reductionist questions. Rather, this is a simple questioning of the construct we are dealing with, and the ways in which it has skewed and failed. Simple questions may lead to simple insights, and simple insights may be seeds for powerful ideas and actions.

It occurred to me one day that growth, which is held as such a concern an metric of well-being that we cannot even imagine considering an alternative, may be redefined. Why is growth only economic growth or monetary prosperity? Why are the capacities, contribution, and the work of people not considered in other-than-economic terms? Why is the definition of Growth a portfolio with its investment in only one metric–why are there not more dimensions such that growth is not a linear, mono-metric thing, but rather a lively, complex, and organic virtual entity that can shift its shape around the well-being of humans (and of societies) at any given time? Why is growth only MORE and FORWARD and BIGGER? Why is growth not, sometimes, defined as pausing and taking breath? As holding hands and playing (literally or metaphorically)? As exhaling a sigh of relief after a great accomplishment? As giving someone or something else an opportunity to be active while one takes time out?

Why are nations, for instance, afraid to put a pause on their space missions and geographic expansion, and take time out to care for their own people, while letting another nation take up the task of imagining and inventing? Why are we afraid to make a necessary life shift, and humiliated with the prospect of doing the right thing at the right moment in our life just because it is not the thing that we have done for the past few years? Why do people get insane with fear and anger if their leaders determine, for instance, that for the next four or five years they will shift the focus from creating economic-military franchises around the globe, and simply take care of the household? Why do we suddenly have nothing to do when a project for building and construction has completed–why do we instantly feel the urge to do and make more, rather than realize that the natural and most simple human thing to do is to relax at the end of such accomplishment, and that in the age of nations and groups, this rest may take years or even a century?

Why, in short, are we holding on to one construct, a single construct, that happens to have only one dimension, too? Can we, for a start, rethink this very construct?

There is a deeper thing to be concerned with than just Growth. However, while we are on this terrain, can we at least re-imagine this?

I think we can. I propose that we should. Here is a poem that I was inspired with while I first wrangled with this question. Your thoughts are welcome (though as a poet who’s usually inspired, I cannot defend or explain what I write). Presented as is.


Growth Is Not Just One Thing
a poem ~

 

Growth is not just one thing.
It is not merely
chopping down whatever apple tree
occurs on your path
and turning it into jam and firewood.
Growth is also to plant the seed,
and to have the patience to cultivate it,
to watch it grow.

Growth is not merely
turning your life into dollars
and then attempt to turn the dollars back into
semblances and mere ghosts of life.
Growth is also to step beyond this idea
of necessarily putting the jingle of coins and pennies
into each and every rhythm of your life.
Growth is a kiss.
It is impregnation with the first child you’ll ever have,
it is to kindle the fire in the house,
and put a loving pot of soup to boil.
Staying quietly with it.
Inhaling its wafting smells and spice.

Growth is not just rushing onwards from your youth
and staying forever repelled from the old age that creeps upon you
when you are too busy to notice it,
submerged in your paper and red black ink.
Growth is to notice the hair you begin to grow in interesting places
and the fine wrinkles that shall begin to grace
your face one transitional winter morning.
Growth is that too.

Growth is not merely to constantly vie with your friend and neighbor,
or fear that they vie with you.
Growth is loyalty, too. It is to be with the weak in their sickness
and their wretchedness. It is to allow the heart to expand
and pour out as much love–as much love–as it always wanted to give.
Growth is to allow your heart the freedom it always wished
before it became trapped in the preconditions to joy
that you learned from dead books and sad people.
Growth is that. It is that expansion.

Growth is not — absolutely not! — your increasing ability
to quash your dreams so that you may
continue to feed the illusions of growth.
Growth is the ability to gently or firmly
put away the tendrils of pestilent ideas
that come to reside upon your soul.
Growth is that.

Growth is not simply your ability to walk and walk and walk
the earth. Growth is also your ability to stand firm,
hold your place, take roots, and grow branches. To touch the sky.
Growth is vertical. It is horizontal. It is diagonal, too.
It is more than you imagine, and less than you imprint.

Growth is not plainly
your relentless ability to conquer the Earth.
And its species and people and molecules.
Growth is also your ability to be fascinated.
Quiet, simply, fascinated.
It is your ability to wonder, to marvel, to rest.
To give the earth and its inhabitants –
your fellows souls and molecules –
their due. As they have, for eons and eons,
given you yours. More than.
Growth is that acknowledgement.

Growth is not your pomposity. Your ability to
bellow so frighteningly, your temptation to
walk with such arrogance and fury,
as if the earth will split open under your hands and feet.
Growth is your ability to heal the wound. To stitch together
that which is rended apart
from your countless centuries of plundering.

Growth is your ability to withhold, to be in peace,
to watch, reflect, know, and be in awe.
To open your mind such that
you will understand that growth is
beyond — far beyond — the limits
of your
hungry needs.

Growth is that understanding
that you are no longer that hungry, frightened, cold,
thunder-struck, hollering ape that you once were.
Growth is your awareness that you have travelled hundreds of thousands of miles
for millennia and millennia
to overcome your penury
only to know that you are, ever, confined in a relationship –
a loving, nurturing relationship, the love of existence for you –
that you cannot ever escape from.

Growth is not just to leave home, O human!
It is to come home too. It is to come home, too.

~ramla akhtar

(You may share the poem with attribution to the poet’s name, and a link to the website http://ramlaakhtar.com. Thank you.)

~

A note on the image: Trees are what have inspired me to reconsider what growth means. I think even the tree gets to travel: it stands in one place on earth, and from that, it looks up into entire constellations towards which its branches ever reach out. It maintains a relationship of love and awe with the cosmos, ever conversing with the Sun and the stars while we humans, apparently smarter beings, frantically search for love and real peace.

Note: Post first published here at the Matador Network

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